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Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Restroom comedy has always been the comfort zone for daily publications, and publications remain attentive to significant toilet tales and historic moments, particularly within football. Readers were entertained to learn that a prominent writer a famous broadcaster has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Spare a thought for the Barnsley fan who interpreted the restroom somewhat too seriously, and had to be saved from the vacant Barnsley ground following dozing off in the toilet during halftime of a 2015 loss against Fleetwood Town. “His footwear was missing and had lost his mobile phone and his cap,” stated a representative from Barnsley fire services. And everyone remembers during his peak popularity playing for City, the controversial forward visited a nearby college to access the restrooms back in 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, before entering and requesting where the toilets were, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a student told the Manchester Evening News. “Subsequently he wandered round the campus acting like the owner.”

The Lavatory Departure

Tuesday marks 25 years from when Kevin Keegan quit as England manager following a short conversation inside a lavatory booth alongside FA executive David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, following that infamous 1-0 defeat against Germany in 2000 – England’s final match at the historic stadium. As Davies recalls in his journal, his confidential FA records, he had entered the sodden troubled England locker room directly following the fixture, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams “fired up”, both players begging for the suit to bring Keegan to his senses. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan walked slowly through the tunnel with a blank expression, and Davies found him slumped – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, muttering: “I'm done. I can't handle this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies attempted urgently to salvage the situation.

“Where could we possibly locate for confidential discussion?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Merely one possibility emerged. The restroom stalls. A significant event in English football's extensive history occurred in the ancient loos of a stadium facing demolition. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I shut the door behind us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘You cannot persuade me,’ Kevin stated. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I'll inform the media that I'm not adequate. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Aftermath

Therefore, Keegan stepped down, eventually revealing he viewed his stint as England manager “empty”. The two-time European Footballer of the Year stated: “I had difficulty passing the hours. I found myself going and training the blind team, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It's a tremendously tough role.” The English game has progressed significantly in the quarter of a century since. Whether for good or bad, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers are long gone, while a German now sits in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. Tuchel's team is considered among the frontrunners for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: Three Lions supporters, appreciate this period. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Current Reports

Follow Luke McLaughlin at 8pm UK time for Women's major tournament coverage from Arsenal 2-1 OL Lyonnes.

Today's Statement

“There we stood in a long row, clad merely in our briefs. We represented Europe's top officials, premier athletes, inspirations, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with high morals … yet nobody spoke. We scarcely made eye contact, our looks wavered slightly nervously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina examined us thoroughly with an ice-cold gaze. Mute and attentive” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson shares the degrading procedures referees were previously subjected to by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Soccer Mailbag

“What does a name matter? There exists a Dr Seuss poem titled ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, plus assistants Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been removed from their positions. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to take care of the first team. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and distributed some merchandise, I've chosen to type and share a brief observation. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations in the school playground with kids he expected would overpower him. This pain-seeking behavior must justify his option to move to Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware yet the only follow-up season honor I predict him achieving near the Trent River, if he remains that duration, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|